So far this weekend is shaping up to be a great one. Our pool got fixed Thursday so we have been enjoying it EVERY DAY!
Today Batch, Jay, Laura, and the kids came over for a swim and dinner. After that we played Rock Band for a while, (thanks batch). It was nice having Jay & Laura over.
Tomorrow, Just Me and Lilly…..
What do you consider to be important in your life? Material possessions? Your Health? Family & Friends?
Its true that our priorities are different for everyone’s perspective of life. For me, its my family and friends. I have had my fair share of ups and downs but I don’t regret a minute of it.
Last time I went to see Chaz, he told me that the world is too big to pick a handful of people to be with and close my doors to everyone else. We all grow and take the path that best fits the direction we wan to go. Some of us are focused and some are not.
Im just glad im on the path im on. It has brought me nothing but happiness and good things. This is truly want I wanted, no needed in my life. All I have to do now is make some changes to my professional life and im all set.
Your absolutly correct Mr. Batchelor, life is too short. What if there wasn’t a tomorrow?!?
So life has been running in overdrive lately. Things are changing faster than I can keep up with. I guess keeping my blog up to date seamed pointless. My last post was in May and my life has changed so dramatically that I don’t even know where to begin.
Well i guess the big news first, I bought a house in Temecula and Leah and Lilly moved in with me. I cant even tell you all how great that is. I finally have someone that loves me as much as I love them, and she loves me for what I am. We are so perfect for each other and my only regret is that it has taken me 31 years to find her. To quote Batch, “She’s a keeper!”
Work is work, going good I guess, the gangs will never disappear, job security. CBC is still up and running though sometimes I feel that I have lost touch with my colleagues. I sometimes wonder if their job would be easier if I just left all together.
I have learned over the last few months that life is too short to live it wrong. Do whatever you have to do to be honest, take care of your responsibilities, settle your debts, and stop playing games. We can either live in a constant state of misery, or we can do what we need to do to get by for now and stay focused on the end game.
Chaz told me to stop worrying about what I have no control over and to just “let it all happen”. Well I did, and I love where im at. There is no looking back for me now, Im moving forward at full speed and have no intention to slow down or stop. I will never forget my past, it has made me the person I am today, however, I have also learned from my past, grown from it, and will be more cautious because of it. Im not sure where im going next, I just know it will be with the peple I love by my side.
Till next time,
Cbouse, OUT!
Took a trip to the official “Firearms Crime Annalists Lab” today to see how they analyze the bullet casings from homicide scenes. All I can is wow, they have some cool toys….
On the way back to South Central, sorry, not allowed to call it that anymore, its South Los Angeles, a call came over the radio, “unit requesting a backup, following a code-6 charles suspect involved in an ADW - 211″, translated, an armed and dangerous suspect who used a gun, (ADW- assault with a deadly weapon) in a robbery , (211). We were on the freeway traveling towards the following and decided to make our way in that direction just in case something bad happened.
The following went from surface streets to the freeway. The airship, (helicopter) came back with a 6 minute e.t.a., not good. It was approximately 3:45 p.m. so the freeway was backing up with traffic. Before we knew it the following was headed directly towards us. We swung off the freeway and hauled ass to position ourselves to assist. The unit is still alone….
High speed through traffic, clear right, TRAFFIC! TRAFFIC! clear in the #1 lane, lights and sirens, the unit following is alone, must move faster, information comes over the radio, “the suspect is digging under his seat, there is a lot of movement coming from inside the vehicle, there are two occupants inside, we need an e.t.a. for the closest unit”. Clearing lanes, on the shoulder, god damn cars wont move, weaving in and out of lanes to get there quick, siren is blaring, thank god finally a clearing, were there, were the 2nd unit, its just us. We have time, wait for additional units, wait for the airship. The vehicle is exiting, start forming a tactical plan with my partner just in case he runs, just in case he comes out shooting.
Vehicle stops, the call is made, take him down. Doors fly open, guns out, put your game face on…
Get into position, aim your gun, be ready to shoot. Doors of the vehicle open, both people come out, there not listening to commands, other units arriving, BEAN BAG! WE NEED A BEAN BAG! Suspect is combative, wont listen, he has a gun, keep your sights locked on, if he makes that move be prepared to do what needs to be done.
The Bean Bag arrives, he must have been shot with it before, he sees the green shotgun and complies. Make a quick turn to check the area behind me, holy shit, 30+ units behind me, more officers than i can count, the airship swoops in overhead, the calvary has arrived.
Good tactics and communication along with the best training money can buy, this guy is toast. Everyone in custody, the scene is clear, adrenalin is pumping, i didn’t notice my heart rate till it was all over. Time to clear the scene, back to the station I go.
Just another day in the big city…..
Head is pounding, lungs hurt, chest sore….
Leah just called, put a smile on my face. First time today…
I was able to upload the rest of the pictures from Disneyland. The gallery is to the right….
In 31 years this has got to be the best Mothers Day I can remember. I slept in till about 8 or 8:30, haven’t done that in a while, drove to Fallbrook and picked up my mom for breakfast. We headed to Bonsall and went to the Sunrise Cafe where I gave Mothers Day wishes to Leah and Laura-2.
We ate a light breakfast, (thanks Leah) and headed over to Jay’s. We chatted with the Coon’s, walked down to the horses, looked at some plants and took off back to the house. Once home we realized that we needed to go to the store, back into town we go. After a small shopping spree we headed home and started cooking. It was kinda cool, it was just me and mom working in her kitchen together. We made all kinds of stuff, twice baked potatoes, steak, chicken, shrimp, salads and the dressing, strawberry shortcake, and more. My brother Scott, his wife Becky, Samantha and Kelly all showed up. Leah got off work and I begged her to grab Lilly and come over. That poor girl, I’ve been keeping her running non stop on the weekends. 
Leah came over and we all had a late lunch together. The kids played, the adults chatted and we all just had a good time. After that I headed to Leah’s house, grabbed Batch from the Mission and met up with the Coon’s for dinner. What fun that was. Leah was the chef, with a little assistance from me and her dad. We had burgers, sausage, potato salad, and more. It was so much fun to just spend the day with Leah and the gang. I hung on as long as I could before going home. Sleep? Who needs sleep?
So, on Thursday I took Leah to see Wicked. I know, I know, do I ever work…..
I took Monday off so I could go to Disneyland and Thursday off so we could go see Wicked. I basically worked my ass off on Tuesday and Wednesday just so I could get everything taken care of. I spent most of Thursday cleaning up around the house. It was a good relaxing day. Around 2 or so I went to Fallbrook and Picked Leah up from her house. I was driving the Batchelor mobile (only cost me $40 to go from Temecula to Fallbrook, to LA and back) so I took my time and enjoyed the ride. I arrived at her house, walked in and was basically slapped in the face, (not literally) by Leah. Lets just say she looks really good in blue 
We hit the road and headed to Miceli’s Italian Restaurant in Los Angeles and met up with Denise Johnson, (my lawyer) her husband, and two little girls. We had a great dinner and headed to the Theater. We went in, had decent seats and enjoyed the show. Event though we didn’t talk much on the way home, it was still a great ride….
I felt that my “Fabulous” post was rather week and pathetic so I wanted to take a minute to expand on it.
Last Monday I went to Disneyland with Leah and Lilly and let me tell you, it was a positively wonderful day. We met up at my house and took off from there in Leah’s Exploder, (diesel is $4.60 a gallon right now, OUCH!). With a quick stop at Starbucks, (Vente Americano with one shot of sugar free vanilla, no whip, no room) we hit the freeway and headed to the happiest place on earth. The funny thing is that I have NEVER looked at Disneyland to be the happiest place on earth for me. Yeah, its cool to visit once a year but thats about it. This time was truly a different experience for me, something I have never done before, a true eye-opener.
We hit the park and right away I saw Lilly’s face just light up with amazement. She must have been in sensory overload from everything she was seeing and smelling. With a quick trip down Main Street we went through the castle and into heaven for Lilly. The first ride, the carrousel. She loved those horses. I don’t think I have ever seen her smile that much. After that we hit Dumbo, the teacups, Toon Town, Saw Goofy, Mickey, Mini, Ariel, and Tigger. Went to adventure land and rode the Winnie the Poo ride. Spent some time just walking around and hit a few stores. We picked up some candy for Laura-2 and I got Batch some sugar free stuff to munch on. We stopped on the way home and had Olive Garden for dinner.
So, what was the “eye opening” part of this day? For a long time now my closest friends and family have been telling me that everything changes when you have kids. Things become harder and even just doing simple things have a new level of complexity added to them. I found out that this was true, things did become harder, I had to put much more thought into everything I did and how I did it. The concern that I had for just myself over the last few years of my life had shifted to two other people that I care very much for. What I did and how I did it was no longer done just because it was most convenient and easy for me. What I did and how I did it was done for them, and honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way…..
That day seamed like a new part of my life that I wandered upon for the first time. I felt a happiness and joy that I have never felt before. Lilly is not my daughter but that day made me realize that I could lover her just like she was, there is no question in my mind about that…
funny
Intelligent
protective
faithful
honest
hard working
interesting
loyal
supportive
sincere
generous
groovy
smart
caring
devoted
compassionate
lovable
adorable
sweet
gentle
kind
wonderful
special
unique
quirky
bright
sensual
friendly
attractive
captivating
bewitching
enchanting
delightful
alluring
seductive
luscious
thoughtful
cute
beautiful
charming
precious
heavenly
glorious
marvelous
divine
hot
perfect
erotic
lustful
sexy
romantic
tender
brilliant
hysterical
smiling
outgoing
sensitive
responsible
comical
blue-eyed
giving
slow
fast
confident
helpful
talented
complimentary
empathetic
athletic
mysterious
understanding
passionate
embracing
cuddly
snuggly
warm
touchy-feely
polite
genius
sunny
funny
original
soft
fuzzy
kissy
scrumptious
happy
incredible
captivating
breathtaking
true
trust
loved
Yet another fabulous weekend. Got to spend time with Leah. Went to Jay’s to just hang out at the Coon house. Had a great little BBQ with Jay, Laura, the boys, Batch, Leah, and Lilly. Played with Leah and Lilly on the trampoline for a while, the simple things are sometimes the best things. Monday I went to Disneyland with Leah and Lilly. What a day, It was simply great.
Gotta work, more to come….
What is your interpretation of what a relationship should be? Does everyone have a different idea of what the word “Relationship” actually means? If so, what do we base this interpretation on?
When we use the word “relationship” are we referring to the direct literal meaning or what we have in our mind which is based on past experiences. If so, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Can this past experience seriously change the relationship based on what we think is going to happen before anything actually happens? Is this why we sometimes feel a sort of anxiety or a sense of hesitation when we are starting a new relationship with someone?
I had the pleasure of chatting with someone yesterday on my drive home that I haven’t talked to in quite some time. This subject was part of our discussion and I felt we had a really good talk about it. Im blogging about it because there are a lot of relationships evolving right now and its a relevant point that I am always happy to talk about so I can possibly better myself in this area. The person I was talking to also told me that they read my blog on a regular basis because it sometimes helps them by giving them a different point of view or even a little courage to ask themselves the questions i often ask. I don’t expect what i say here to be some eye opening event, nor do I feel that my life is all that interesting where others should want to read the often incoherent ramblings of nonsense that is my mind. I realize that I often have these cheesy sayings, or as Jay calls them, “Bouseisms” but I do feel that they do have a real meaning, depending on who you are and what your going through
I am positive that once I have someone that I can trust unconditionally and communicate openly with, this blog will have outlived its usefulness to me. Until that times comes I will share my thoughts and ideas here for no other reason that it may help someone, some how, in some situation that they are facing.
For me, I understand and believe that a relationship is completely defined by the two people who have chosen to engage in it. Each person will bring their own thoughts and experiences into it and what each person has to offer will benefit the other person. A relationship, be it new or old, will be defined by open and honest communication. To quote one of my past posts, “Communication can either be the rise or fall of any relationship no matter how strong it may be. One of the many definitions of communication is “the means of connection between tow people”. Communication is in a sense its own form of a relationship. If communication is embraced, loved, and neutered it will grow strong and its possibilities know no bounds. But if communication is taken advantage of, lied to, disregarded, and ignored it will slowly break down and everything that it once stood for will crumble to the ground.
1 p.m. - The “Go” comes down from my supervisors. We are hitting a high risk dope house and we need your help. Tactical briefing in 15 minutes.
1:15 - The meeting is detailed, lots of people listening to the plan, paying attention to every word. We think of things that might happen, that could happen, that has happen. Leah calls, the calm before the storm. Meeting over, time to gear up. We meet in 15 minutes, ready to roll out
1:30 - Run downstairs, put on my body armor, make sure I have a trauma plate, get my “big gun” and switch out my magazines. Get my helmet, check my flashlight, find a few sets of gloves. Grab my medical trauma shooting kit and a few extra flexy cuffs.
1:45 - Somethings wrong, not sure whats going on. The word is “Hold”. Sitting in my car waiting for battle. The addrenaline is finally starting to go away. Call Leah back, finally, im calm once again.
2:45 - A voice comes over the radio, “were a go”. The cars star up, droves of officers covered in body armor pile into vans and cars. We hit the road. Lights and sirens going, blocking intersections, watch cross traffic. The adrenaline is coming back. Traveling in line, through intersections, listening to the radio, we have eyes on the location, Its a “Go! Go! Go!”.
2:50 - The doors fly open, officers pile down a narrow driveway and surround the house, up the stairs, narrow corridor, the sound of the pry bar against the metal security door is drawing attention. Neighbors peeking out to see whats going on. Have to check everyone, do they have a gun, are they a threat.
3:00 - The house is clear, no threats. Take pictures, bring in the drug dog. Time to search the house. Heavy smell of marijuana, think im getting a contact high.
5:00 - Back at the station, winding down, tactical de-brief. What did we do wrong and how can we do it better. Time to go unwind, time to go run….
Is the chaos the serenity I once created for myself?!?
Looking back on the last few years of my life I can’t help but wonder if I was only happy when I was in some sort of chaos, be it mine or someone else’s. Looking as far back as Wendy, I seamed to search for situations that I subconsciously knew would end in chaos. From then on I constantly put myself into positions where I was involved with people, be it in a relationship or friendship, that either directly or indirectly put chaos in my life. Why the hell did I constantly do that to myself? Chaos is now something that I will be working out of my normal pattern. Happiness can exist without chaos, I have realized this. I am happy to say that I have already begun to take steps to change this about myself and its going good.
Too tired to go into my day. Lets just say it was just another day in South Central Los Angels…
Today was just another work day. Not much going on, its just hot, really hot. I guess it doesn’t help that we wear dark blue wool uniforms.
There is a lot going on in everyones life right now. All of us, each in our own way, is trying to find the best direction to travel. I wish all of you the best of luck on your journey and want you to remember that I am here for you if you should need me. I too am on a new journey that I am excited to move forward on and watch grow.
The best part of life is often the mystery that lies ahead….
This weekend was one of the best weekends I have had in a really long time.
Firday - I started work at 4 a.m. so i could get out early to beat traffic home. I chatted with Leah about possibly having dinner and figured instead of going out I would cook for the three of us, (Leah, Lilly, and me). I ran to the store, spent twice as much as it would have cost if we just went out, ran home and cooked my ass off. I made my famous Italian stuffed chick, Pesto pasta, (i made the pesto from scratch) Italian cheese stuffed bread, and a standard fresh green salad but I made a creamy Italian dressing from scratch.
There was one hell of a mess in the kitchen but I can say that every penny and minute I spent doing it was worth it. We had a great dinner, a good talk as usual, and tons of fun chasing Lilly all over the yard and house. Oh yeah, I got to see more Barney that night than I have ever seen in my life. Is it bad when you catch yourself singing the songs???
Saturday - It was a relaxing day. Jay and I took the skis out to the beach to see if we could find a shark. I jumped in the water and had Jay tow me behind his ski like a trolling lure, NOT!!!! After that I went over to Leah’s house, picked her and Lilly up and headed back over to Jay’s. I was supposed to work with Laura and the horses but she had one of her friends come by that was a professional trainer. I felt bad not helping them but I didn’t really have a saddle I could use and I didn’t want to get in the way. But all was good cause I helped Leah and Lilly work in the garden. Not sure how much we got accomplished but it was fun. I got to meet her friend Anna, yet another one that fits into our group perfectly. After that we ran into town, grabbed some steaks and ran back to Jay’s house for a BBQ. Lilly loves her dumbs. Took the girls home, watched Laura-2 fall on her ass when she tried to kick me, (World Champ, RIGHT!!!) relaxed a bit with Leah and took off. Yeah, that was a good day….
Sunday - By far the best day. Woke up at 7 a.m. and headed over to Leah’s house to change the brakes on her exploder. Surprisingly everything went great. Slapped the new brakes on, did a quick test run and cleaned up. Took Leah and Lilly to the Sunrise Cafe where we met Anna and Jerry for breakfast. After that Leah, Lilly, Anna and myself ran to Jay’s house. We met up with the Coon’s and headed to the beach. After finally finding a parking spot we hit the beach and just relaxed for a few hours. Jay hit the water and did some surfing, Leah, Lilly, and myself walked the beach and played in the water, Laura and Anna sat in the sun, and the boys threw sand at each other. What a fun time we had. Lilly absolutely loved the beach. She was in the water, on the beach, back in the water, on other peoples blankets, back in the water, on the rocks, back in the water, back to the beach then yep, you guessed it, back to the water.
After the beach we caravaned to Chu’s, got some yummy food and headed back to the Coon house and ate. Lilly played her dumbs a little more, we chatted for a while, and then I took the girls home. I dropped Anna off with her Jerry and headed home to finally finish cleaning the kitchen, did my laundry and packed for LA.
So the best part about all of this is what and how im feeling. Its been a long time for me but its better than what I remember it to be. Its been a long time since I have felt this good, and yes, I really missed it. I am once again feeling like my life may have a purpose above and beyond the standard day to day living i have found myself doing. I now find myself feeling excited to come home from LA and spend time with Leah and Lilly, and that makes me happy.
Yet another great song from Rise Against. I think this song does a great job of describing some of the things we feel at the end of a relationship. After the sorry, pain, agony, frustration, and confusion has finally subsided comes a realization of what happened and a reflection period where we begin to mourn the loss of what we had. When the emotional turmoil is done and we begin to pick ourselves up and brush off the dust of what once was, we seam to have this habit of feeling as though things will never be the same in our life. We were once filled with direction and purpose but now are aimlessly wandering the unknown not sure if we should go left or right. The inability to make a decision to once again bring purpose back into our life escapes with the fear of making the wrong choice, because, what if….
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Tell me what I’m supposed to do,
With all these left over feelings of you;
‘Cause I don’t know
And tell me how I’m supposed to feel,
When all these nightmares become real;
‘Cause I don’t know
And I don’t think you see the places inside me that I find you,
And I don’t know how we separate the lies here from the truth;
And I don’t know how we woke up one day and somehow thought we knew
exactly what we’re supposed to do.
So leave me at the roadside,
And hang me up and out to dry;
So leave me at the roadside,
And hang me up and out to dry.
And I don’t think you see the places inside me that I find you;
And I don’t know how we woke up one day and somehow thought we knew
exactly what we’re supposed to do.
So leave me at the roadside,
And hang me up and out to dry;
So leave me at the roadside,
And hang me up and out to dry.
‘Cause I don’t think you see the places inside me that I find you,
And I don’t know how we woke up one day and somehow thought we knew
exactly what we’re supposed to do,
exactly what to do.
Roadside
Rise Against
4:00 a.m. - The piercing sound of my alarm penetrates my dreams and violently pulls me out of a deep sleep. Its cold, I can’t open my eyes, I just need 15 more minutes of sleep. I have so much to do, I have …….
4:15 a.m. - I am once again awaken by the reality of my life. Turn that off, the sound hurts. Have to get up and take a shower. Worked 16 hours yesterday, got to bed late, too many homicide cases, cant slack, no overtime, city crises, no money, doesn’t matter, it has to get done, Shit…..
4:30 a.m. - Have to go to the station and finish a warrant. Cant stop to eat, you will be late. Its but ass cold out here, im tired, eyes barely open, starting to get hungry, driving South on the 110 freeway, almost to the station, better get my gun out, remember you work in South Central, god im barely awake, cant think straight…
5:30 a.m. - Got the warrant done, I’ll take it with me just in case I can swing by the courthouse on the way home. Mobile Field Force training today, do I have all my gear? Helmet, vest, sam-brown, baton, what else, cant think, too tired, eyes heavy. Shit, forgot something, back upstairs. Training starts at 6:30, cant be late.
6:15 a.m. - At the reserve base, have 15 minutes to sleep, so tired….
6:30 a.m. - Awaken by my partner tapping on my car window, time to gear up. Hats and bats boys….
9:30 a.m. - My god, three hours of lecture in a dark theater with comfy seats, It was so hard not to sleep, can’t sleep, Deputy Chief is giving the lecture, can’t be disrespectful.
12:00 p.m. - Lunch time, eat or sleep? Its been a long day so far. Need to eat so I have energy to finish the day. 5 hours left to go. Have to run around with gear on and push imaginary crowds back. Have to be awake enough to drive a car, mobile tactics, oh god, im a driver, have 3 others in my car, vehicle maneuvers with no sleep, wake up, pay attention, adjust for slow reaction time, work under stressful conditions, this is what im trained for.
5:00 p.m. - Finally, its all over. Im tired, physically exhausted, sun burnt and wind burnt, cant see straight. My unit wants to go out and get dinner. I am starving but don’t need food just sleep. God damn peer pressure! Phone call from Leah, god first good thing today. Go outside, still tired, cant concentrate, it feels good to talk to her.
6:45 p.m. - Finally im home. My bed, time to unwind, maybe a quick nap. Have stuff to do tonight, cant go directly to bed. Sleep a little then get up and work. Don’t have to be up till 7 a.m. tomorrow.
9:00 p.m. - Finally done, type this post. Eyes heavy. Phone call from Leah, made me smile, made me happy. Time for bed…..
Its Monday, 2:50 pm to be exact. I was in town for a dentist appointment and decided to come to my moms house and wait for her to get home so we could chat. I haven’t had a good conversation with her in about a month. Im overdue…..
While waiting for her to get home I was relaxing in the back yard and got to thinking, I have some really awesome friends. 1 month and 18 days ago, (thanks for the counter Batch) my life was turned upside down, well at least I thought it was. I was ready to run, ready to get the hell out of this place and never look back. If it wasn’t for 4 people, (Batch, Jay, Laura, & Cindy) I would be there right now living my new life. Most of you will never be able to fully understand what transpired, but my blog is a fairly accurate representation of my feelings and what I was going through during that time.
Its now Tuesday. I had to break my blog writing as things got busy again. To continue my thought from yesterday, I am just impressed at how we, humans, can function under extreme emotional stress. In a way I am still leaning on Jay, Laura, and Batchelor for support in my life, even though all of them are going through their own challenges. They are there for me to talk to, to work out issues I am having, to listen to me, to be my friend, and to give me advice and direction.
At the same time I am going through a battle within myself, I am attempting to support Batchelor, Jay, and Laura just as they have supported me. True friendship is really a remarkable thing.
For some reason I am experiencing writers block in a way, however, the problem im having isn’t a block of thoughts, its more of a overflow of thoughts and emotions. For the first time in many years I have a sense of peace and joy in my life that I am not quite yous to having. I am really changing my life and it is for the better, the problem is that i have been emotionally and physically abusing my body for quite some time and I am experiencing what I would refer to as resistance from my body.
I met someone, well, actually I was guided to someone. We haven’t spent a bunch of time together and we both agreed to take everything really slow, but I like her. She is a really good person and she has an absolutely adorable little girl. I am very hopeful of where we may go together. Chaz would tell me over and over again that when my mid and soul was ready to accept someone in my life it would happen. That man is always right….
“The Event” really opened my eyes to a lot of stuff that was going on in my life that I didn’t realize or I didn’t want to see, Im still not sure how to classify it yet. I do still believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and we simply have to find out what that reason is. What we don’t realize is that finding the reason can be harder than going through the actual event. Sometimes it takes deep thought and honesty with yourself that few are willing to go through. Sometimes the reason is clear, its right in front of us and we don’t need to search for it. But sometimes we must look deep into our soul, far past the point that we feel comfortable venturing into our own darkness. Sometimes the journey scares us because we may not like what we find out about ourselves, but you know what, Its the only way to accomplish true change.
I want to be happy. I want to have someone to share my life with. I want to have a family. I want to be happy…..
I should be happy, I deserve to be happy. I should know that tings are going good for me and I am surrounded by friends that love me and will support me no matter what. I should be confident in my abilities to be a good person and my ability to be someone that this person wants to be with. But for some reason I just cant allow myself to let go, to be open, to be happy. I find myself constantly wondering how its going to go wrong and what Im going to do to screw it up. I wish I could take my own advice sometimes. I wish I could practice what I preach. Its easy to sit in the drivers seat when its not your car and the consequences wont effect you….
I have begun the battle within myself and will never surrender to the darkness which lyes deep within me. I know what I want, Its to be happy. I will find a new way to bring peace and light to the unknown darkness which lurks within me. I must keep moving forward.
PS - The juice is worth the squeeze….
I know I have been failing to keep up with my daily posts but life is moving faster than I can keep up with right now.
Let me sum it up, right now I have a friend that needs my help, a friend that needs some guidance, a friend that needs support, a friend that took advantage of me, and a friend that wants to fix everything. Work is moving faster than I can keep up with and at work I have a partner that needs reassuring, a supervisor I cant stand, another supervisor that I would do anything for, MySpace which wants me to train them, and about 37 young explorers that need my help, oh yeah, not to mention the needy citizens of Los Angeles…
In the midst of all of this I had a real gods honest date last night, first time in quite a long time. It was wonderful, simply wonderful.
Today, (Saturday) Jay, Ty, Jake, Leah, and myself are gonna go to the beach for a while. Jay is gonna teach Leah and me how to surf.
I forgot what this felt like. The feeling of wanting to be with someone. I know its still too early for the two of us but I can already begin to feel the wonderful effects another person can have on me. We have so much in common yet we have our own interest and beliefs. She is a good person and has a wonderful daughter. I am anxious to see what my future has in store for me.
Ill be back, till then, make life what you can, we only have one shot at it and it would be a shame to waist it….
Im gonna have to agree with Jay on this one. This is a awesome song that has a very deep meaning. I would suggest that you listen to the song while reading the lyrics. The meaning could be easily missed….
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We sent out the S.O.S. call.
It was a quarter past four, in the morning
When the storm broke our second anchor line.
Four months at sea. Four months of calm seas {only}
To be pounded in the shallows off the tip of Montauk Point.
They call ‘em rogues. They travel fast and alone.
One hundred foot faces of God’s good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk,
‘Cause you will always get hit
Out of nowhere by some wave
And end up on your own.
The hole in the hull defied the crew’s attempts,
To bail us out.
And flooded the engines and radio,
And half buried bow.
Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you.
Come off course while you sleep.
Sweep your boat out to sea
Or dashed to bits on the reef.
The vessel groans
The ocean pressures its frame.
To the port I see the lighthouse
Through the sleet and the rain.
And I wish for one more day to give my
Love and repay debts.
But the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.
They say that the captain stays fast with the ship,
Through still and storm,
But this ain’t the Dakota,
And the water’s so cold,
{We} won’t have to fight for long.
(This is the end.)
This story’s old but it goes on and on until we disappear,
(This is the calm.)
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath,
(We are the risen.)
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea,
(After the storm.)
I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean,
(Rest in the sea.)
I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.
(Washed up on the beach.)
You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.
[x2]
This is the end.
Perhaps I need to expand on my post yesterday, “Love is not an emotion, its an ability.”
You rarely hear that a relationship ends due to a lack of love. We speak of emotional disconnection, a lack of communication, broken promises, an inability to commit or the lack of desire to do so. I rarely hear of people separating because they have just completely fallen out of love or no longer love that person in any way. There are sometimes those who were never in love to begin with or relationships where love did not have a chance to fully blossom, however, time and time again I have seen it where someone will profess that although they still feel love for that person, the relationship cannot go on (or vice versa).
How can the same feeling that brought you together against all odds fail to sustain your relationship? Why do we no longer feel compelled to make the same compromises or sacrifices? Is it a change of heart or a change of goals, simply what you want in life?
Love can give us the ability to accomplish great things or the inability to live life. Personal experience has taught me that love is ironically confusing. Never before has such an intangible thing had so much control over me. Is it possible to feel loved, confused, happy, angry, and sad all at the same time? Yes, yes it is.
Love gives us the ability to not only live our life but to better ourselves as a person. Love can give you the ability to accomplish things that you have never before been motivated to do. It can give you the strength to carry on and see a bright light at the end of the long dark lonely tunnel that can be life. Love can provide the ability to overcome adverse circumstances and situations where hope is quickly fading. The ability to do what others said cant be done, to do the impossible.
However, in the same respect, love can also give us the ability to destroy who and what we are, at a core level, at our deepest point. Love can provided the ability to lie to those closest to us, to betray the ones we love the most, to do things above and beyond who we are. Love can give us the ability to self destruct, to loose the sense of focus and direction we worked so hard to create for ourselves.
Perhaps many would argue that we cannot control when and whom we love, but the act of love need not be an act of will of which we are aware.
So when a person says that they “love you but are not in love with you”, it may seem confusing. If love is a feeling then how can someone feel love (a good thing) and unhappiness (a bad thing) at the same time?
Plagiarism disclaimer - Everything I have written in this blog, (other than where I pointed out) is 100% my words from my mind articulated by me and only me. This post is unique as some parts were deeply inspired by a blog entry I wandered upon.
Love: an intense feeling of deep affection, a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone, a person or thing that one loves.
Ability: The capacity to do something, talent that enables someone to achieve a great deal.
Love is not a feeling, its an ability…..
Today, April 10th at 12:30 in the morning, a 19 year old girl was driving home from her job at the airport. An unknown person drove up beside her and shot 5 rounds into her car striking her in the head and killing her instantly. This happened for no reason.
As I sit at my desk working the case, I find myself wondering why it was this persons time, and did she really deserve to go the way she did.
Sometimes I really hate this place…. 
Life is ever changing, you never know if its going to be your last day on this planet. Your last day with the ones you love. Your last day with your family. Your last day……
I guess the point here is you never know what’s gonna happen and there may never be a tomorrow or later. If there is something you have always wanted to do or say in your life, you better do it now cause you may never have the chance to do it later.
I feel sad for the person i never knew or even met…..
Over the last several weeks I have made some posts about certain things I have experienced and learned from “The Event”. I feel that the issues I have covered are so important in my life that I should take the time to recap them. Instead of basically just repeating certain aspects of my previous posts I have decided to make this post a compilation of my past posts. I spent a while reading all of my posts and took what I would consider to be the most meaningful parts of them and crated one large post to reflect “The Event” as a whole. I hope this isn’t lost in translation….
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Can a person truly love someone and not allow what that person does to effect them? Is it possible to be so close to someone that you feel like that person is your soul mate, the mirror image of your soul? Can you have that connection with a person and allow yourself to step back when they are experiencing all that life has to offer? If that person betrays you and throws away a special gift that you have given them that very few have ever had the chance to have, can you forgive them? Can you offer that gift to them again? Is it possible to be human and truly reach a point where the answer is Yes?!?
Have you ever had someone tell you something about someone you loved and it hurt you so bad that just about every emotion in the world hit you at once? Have you ever experience what its like to have your heart stop beating, your brain become cloudy and your soul to ache? If the person that is closest to you betrayed your trust, would you be able to move on, to forgive, to forget, to accept what has happened and allow yourself to open up to that person and trust them again? What if that person didn’t just betray you once, not twice, but multiple times, over a period of time? Is there a point where the actions of another proves to you that they are no longer able to uphold the promises they made you? Is there a point where forever actually has an end?
My new lesson that I have learned is the boundaries that can exist on friendship and what “forever” and “through anything” actually means. For me, very few people actually earn the right for that responsibility to exist, but once its there does that mean its there forever? No matter what? With no limits? I have been pondering this for several hours now and feel absolutely confident that the answer to my own questions is NO.
When that responsibility exists it is firm, it is my bond, it is my heart and soul. When you abuse that, the responsibility for the friendship continues, it just gets tweaked and adjusted to grow and evolve with the relationship. But when it is abused to the point of immoral, unethical, and inhumane behavior, that is in no way acceptable. I realized that I do have a point where behavior, be it from a friend or best friend can breach the boundaries of reasonable actions thereby demanding that the relationship cease. If the path in which that person has chosen to walk down is so treacherous that the outcome could very well compromise what you believe to be true, just, moral, and right, should you blindly folly? Responsibility or foolishness?
Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake.
Why and how are we capable of forgiveness? No matter what happens, no matter how much we hurt, no matter how much resentment we feel, no matter how betrayed or disappointed we feel, how can we just move on? It seams that somehow through the pain, anguish, hate, anger, and rage we may feel, we still want and need to forgive, we still strive to settle our issues and find peace in forgiveness.
If someone screws up or makes a unwise decisions as an adult, we, as reasonable people expect that person to be responsible for their actions. We expect that person to rise up, admit what they did was wrong, take blame where blame is due and face the consequences for what they have done. We expect them to act like adults and do whatever is needed to correct the situation, no matter how hard it may be to do so or how much it will hurt them. We expect integrity, honesty, and morality to be part of that persons actions. Mistakes are mistakes and everyone will make their fair share, however, a mistake is only a mistake until the point you realize that you made that mistake. If we continue down that path it is no longer a mistake, it is a choice.
As defined; Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more humans. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Friends will welcome each other’s company and exhibit loyalty. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating on a consistent basis the tendency to desire what is best for the other, sympathy and empathy, honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one’s counterpart.
Best Friend, someone with whom one shares the strongest possible kind of friendship…
You know how when you make a big change in your life you second guess yourself and make yourself doubt your own decisions? You allow your mind to screw with you, make you think of all the things your loosing. It makes you think of everything you had and how its slipping away.
Once again in my life I was forced to relearn the harsh lesion that is communication. It is truly the most important thing for any relationship. It doesn’t matter if you are in a romantic relationship or a friendship, or in our case, best friends. Communication can either be the rise or fall of any relationship no matter how strong it may be. One of the many definitions of communication is “the means of connection between tow people”. Communication is in a sense its own form of a relationship. If communication is embraced, loved, and neutered it will grow strong and its possibilities know no bounds. But if communication is taken advantage of, lied to, disregarded, and ignored it will slowly break down and everything that it once stood for will crumble to the ground.
Everything we experience in our life helps us to grow, it helps us to take a few more steps forward and get closer to who we truly are. We either learn from things we have gone through, embrace the lessons we have learned, apply the new wisdom to our life, and adjust who we are as person to walk down the ever evolving path of life or we allow them to hurt us, to prohibit our growth, to make us spiteful, and fill us with anger. The good thing is that WE are in control. WE decide what path to walk down. WE decided for ourselves what WE want the outcome to be. WE can choose to walk forward or backward or even stand still for a while if needed. Sometimes it just takes the help from a trusted friend to shed some light on the pathway and help us through the rocky parts.
Its good to be scared, it reminds us that we still have something to loose….
Just like Shrek explained that ogers are like onions with multiple layers, what I feel and how I deal with those feelings can best be described in the same fashion. The outer layers would represent your basic short term passion driven emotions, fear, anger, hate, jealousy, etc. As you make your way deeper into the onion you begin to find things that are not as easily changed or altered such as trust, integrity, respect, and love. The deeper you go the deeper the meaning and how it effects my life in a long term fashion. As you make your way to the core you come upon the things that can not be understood in the heat of the moment. Things that your emotions cover and hide, things you couldn’t comprehend even if you wanted to. These things take hours of deep thought and understanding to surface and truly understand. These are the things that are sometimes the hardest to absorb and cope with because they often point out areas that we have chosen to fail at or have been just too lazy to change.
It is true that when you experience a level of enlightenment everything becomes at peace within yourself. Your thoughts are clearer and it is easier to focus on problems or obstacles in front of you and find a clear end result. You fell euphoric and can actually feel the blood running through your veins. Every breath you take allows fresh positive energy to enter your body and fill you with light. Every exhale carries the stress, confusion, and madness out of your body. You feel as though nothing can bring you down, no matter how intense the emotions were before you reached your level of enlightenment. For once in your life you feel as though you are finally in control. I know, I’ve been there.
I am now inspired to be truthful to myself and those around me, to be honest to myself and those I love, to have integrity in all I say and do, to stand by my word and accept responsibility for my actions. I can only hope that as I grow as a person I remember the lessons I have learned and keep the inspirations in my life.
I keep reminding myself that it is so easy to slip into the darkness, but true change in ones self is one of the hardest things for any person to accomplish…..
